Tender Mercies

My heart is so full and I am feeling so blessed right now.  It's been one of those days and moments where I can feel Heavenly Father's love for me and His hand evident in my life. 

We are all given spiritual gifts.  We all receive personal revelation.  We are all different and and receive these things in different ways.  For me, it is through dreams.  I've been very blessed in my life to have some very special and sacred dreams.  Many of them of my mom and those that have passed away.  Now, I do have some silly dreams about them, dreams that I know are just dreams and sometimes they are bad/sad dreams...but, sometimes I have those dreams where I know they are not just silly dreams.  They are different, real, and messages or things that I need at that particular time.

Within this last week I have had two of those dreams.Salt Lake City hosted the Golden Gloves National tournament last week, May 15-21, and it was a very busy and fun week.  We had memorial display booth of the three Fullmer brothers.  It was such a cool thing to see all of their robes, shoes, shorts, pictures, video etc of them.  It was also hard.  I was so emotional that week, just missing dad so much.  There were lots of tears. Thursday I stayed up at the hotel with Chet.  That night I had a really cool dream of dad.  We were at the Nationals, which was being held outdoors for some reason, and I was reading him articles out of the newspaper about the fights because he couldn't touch them.  I couldn't touch him, either.  It was like I knew he was only there in spirit, but I could see him fully.  We began talking about Mom and everything going on with her.  He was aware of everything. He then told me, "I am very proud of Shareen.  I am so proud of all my kids and everything they are doing for Marilyn."  He then glanced at something behind me and said, "Hey, I can see myself!"  I turned around then, and there was a metal booth behind us, in which I could see our reflection of us standing next to each other on the side of the booth. Dad said, "It's so good to see us standing here together."  At that point I was crying and woke up crying.  I could not stop crying all morning. It was so real, and I felt so strongly that it wasn't just a silly dream, and that he wanted his kids to know how proud he was of them.  After a moment of laying there crying after I woke up,  I knelt down and said a prayer of gratitude for that experience. I also expressed how I have not had a dream of mom in such a long time and how much I missed her.

 I used to dream of my mom a lot...sometimes they were silly dreams, but I would take whatever I could get just to see her.  It's been a very long time since I've had a dream of her, like 2 years or more, and I have wondered if maybe I was doing something wrong. 

Early this morning I had a really incredible experience.  I had a dream that Chet and I and the family as well as others were in a large passenger van.  We pulled into a convenient store for gas and other things.  I stayed in the van with Hunter and the door next to me was left open. I then saw Chet's sisters, Shareen and Shellie come out of the store. Among them, was my mom.  She looked just as I remember her with feathered and curled hair.  I called out to her, "Mom! Mom!", she looked to me and said, "Kimmie!", which I love that she used the name that she called me by growing up.  She ran to me and just hugged me. We just hugged for such a long time and I was crying and crying.  I could feel her..I began to squeeze her arms and I could really feel her, her skin was so soft and I just thought, "I can feel her. She's really here."  I woke up after that, cheeks wet from crying.  It was such a simple dream, yet so powerful.

Now, here is the REALLY cool part!  I immediately called my big brother, Tracy, to tell him about it.  When I told him that I had a dream of her, he said, "Really? I did too!".  What???  He asked what my dream was, I told him it was simple and began to share it with him.  It turns out that his dream was very similar.  He was talking to her for a bit and then they just hugged.  He, too, woke up crying.  Tracy had not dreamed of her in well over a year, as well.  Again, I don't think this was just a silly dream, it was just so real and what I needed.  Not to mention that Tracy had one of her, too....

I just think, how cool it is that we both had very similar dreams of her at the same time?  It has been another experience that just strengthens my testimony about the power of prayer.  How much Heavenly Father is aware of us and really knows us and so does our family on the other side of the veil.  How His hand is in all things and we are given these tender mercies.  My heart is so full.  I am so grateful for these experiences, and so thankful for a Heavenly Father who loves me!

Til We Meet Again...

I cannot even begin to describe the emotions of this past year.  The roller coaster ride our family has been on, the heartache, the love, the sleepless nights, the sadness, the memories, the bond, ...we have shared it all.  It has taken a year to write this post.  I began it a few months ago, but it was just too hard. So, I stopped and let a lot of time go by. Now, a year later, as April 22nd has come and gone, I think it's about time I finish this post.

During the month of April 2015, we started out by having a nice Easter.  My kids got a bunny that we named, Rocky.  The Easter Bunny came and we enjoyed a nice Easter dinner with the Fullmer family.  We took our traditional pictures with mom and dad, the kids, grandkids and greatgrandkids.

For the last couple of years, beginning in 2014, I have felt an unexplainable urgency to take as many pictures of our family gatherings, of my kids with their grandparents, as possible.  I knew the time would come when we would no longer have Mom and Dad here, but I honestly didn't think it would be so soon.  Early in September 2014, dad was not feeling well and came down with terrible pneumonia, which he eventually had to be hospitalized for.  It really took a toll on him and from then on, it was just one thing after another, after another.  The poor guy just couldn't catch a break.  His Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia (CLL) didn't help, weakening his immune system.

Dad's hips began to hurt to the point he couldn't walk. His left arm, hand and both feet/ankles began to swell. He soon began to see spots in his eyes and didn't want to eat or move around.  The kids began to spend a lot of time over at the house helping as much as possible where we could. Dad just got worse and worse.  He was in the hospital more than he was out of it.  After some time at Riverton Hospital, he was sent to the Huntsman Cancer Institute. While he was there, he had an episode and had to be intubated. Even then, through this difficult time, he never lost his sense of humor. Still making us laugh with his quick wit.

It was shortly after that, that the doctor wanted to speak with the family about his prognosis.  We were told that he had an infection in his blood, and they could continue to try and treat him, but the outcome would probably be the same, or we could just let him go without further treatment and they would make him as comfortable as possible.  With very heavy hearts and a lot of tears, we made the difficult decision to let him go.  The staff moved him into a family suite where we could be there with him until he passed.  Dad was coherent enough to talk to us, though his eyes remained closed most of the time. It was a little hard to understand him, but we understood him enough as he told us he loved us, how important family was and he specifically told me, "Let me tell you something.  Family is a blessing!"

So many family members, friends and boxers came in to see him and say goodbye. It was so hard but overwhelming to see how much this man was loved.  Late that night, the hospital began to give him the morphine and a drug so that he wouldn't feel like he was suffocating.  We all stayed with him throughout the night and day that would follow.  We talked about his funeral plans, we laughed, we cried, we formed a bond that I pray will last forever.  The following afternoon, Chet gave him a beautiful blessing, releasing him and letting him know that it was okay to go.  That we would be okay and mom would be okay.  The day went on and turned into night.  His breathing was ragged and began to slow and there were a few times we thought he had drawn his last breath, only to hear him take another after several long minutes. Just after 2:00 in the morning, we were all gathered around him.  Shareen was whispering in his ear talking to him for quite some time...or so it seemed...telling him how much we loved him and it was okay to go.

I never, ever thought I would ever pray for someone to pass on, but it was so hard to see him like that, and watch him struggling to breathe.  As I sat at his feet and bowed my head and just asked Heavenly Father, that if he was going to take him, to please not let him suffer any longer, To please let him go. I said, "amen" and kept my head bowed...and within seconds, I heard him take in a breath...pause... nothing.  I brought my head up and we all knew he was gone. At 2:35 am on April 22, 2015 our sweet Dad and husband passed away. The spirit and love in that room was SO strong. It turns out, that as I was praying for Heavenly Father to not let him suffer any longer, Shellie was also praying for the same thing, at the same time.  As difficult as it is to lose someone you love so much, that experience of them crossing through the veil is amazing, inexplicable, and very spiritual.  We said a family prayer at his bedside and went home after a while.

The next week was so hard as we made arrangements.  The outpouring of love and support was incredible.  As much as my heart hurt in losing someone I loved so much, just as I would love him as a dad if I had been born to him, it hurt my heart even worse seeing the heartbreak my sweet husband was going through.  It was so difficult.

Our amazing Stake President, Pres. Maxfield, came to the house and gave mom the most incredible, powerful blessing I have ever heard.  He COMMANDED that angels would bare her up on the left and on the right...and truly she has felt all of those angels.. The strength that she showed and still continues to show, amazes me.  There is power in the priesthood and in the gospel of Jesus Christ.  I have witnessed this so many times in my life, and this is just another thing that strengthens my testimony of our Heavenly Father's love and plan for us.

The funeral was beautiful.  The turn out was amazing.  Chet and Cody gave wonderful talks...funny and sincere...Shareen and Shellie shared wonderful and fun memories. The grandkids and great grandkids sang "Armies of Heleman.". Now, every time I hear that song, the tears flow. At the graveside, Dad's boxers lined up in their "Fullmer Brothers Boxing" gear and got in their stance as they brought the casket to the plot. That was one of the most incredible things I have ever seen.  The entire day was such a beautiful tribute to dad.  Mom was and continues to be such a rock. She amazes me by her continued strength.  Later that evening we found out that Uncle Gene passed away.  His son, Delaun, told us that after they had told Uncle Gene, who was not very coherent, that Dad had passed away, he just declined rapidly.  It was as if he understood that his job as a big brother, watching over his siblings, was done.  Within the week, we had another funeral.

We lost Chet's cousin, Kade, just a few months before in January, and Chet's uncle on his mom's side in March.  Uncle Gene's death along with dad's, making it four funerals in four months.  The fifth funeral coming in December with Chet's brother's, (Shane) death on the 9th.

This picture pretty much speaks for itself.  Here is mom, sitting on her daughter's headstone, next to her son's casket on the left and visiting her husband's grave.  She has been through so much, yet her strength is beyond incredible.  She continues to amaze me daily.

It was a difficult year experiencing all of the "firsts" without dad.  He was inducted into the Golden Gloves Hall of Fame at the Nationals tournament in May.  Dad and Mom accepted the award in his behalf, and Chet gave a wonderful speech.  And then you have all of the Holidays. Christmas especially being the most difficult.  Shareen, Cody, Chet and I all gave the siblings and mom something that had to do with dad.  Shareen gave us a blanket with a collage of pictures of dad.  Cody gave us a shirt with Dad's boxing picture on it and I took some of Dad's old shirts and hankies and made pillows out of them.  Christmas Eve we had a different tradition this year.  We didn't want mom to have to stay alone in the house and wake up to nobody on Christmas morning, so she stayed the night with us.  It was so nice and fun to have her there and a memory our kids will have of her always.  She even got her own Christmas Eve pj's..

Below is a shadow box that I made for Chet.  Let me tell you how tough this was to put together...
 

Mom wanted the casket bearers to be her grandsons and the honorary casket bearers were other grandsons and nephews.