Cash is 6!

I just have to give you a rundown on where it all began with Cash.  Just so you can get a sense of how much I love this little boy, and how sad I am that he is growing up!

7 years ago, we had 2 girls and 2 little boys, ranging in age from 12-4 yrs old. We were happy and very comfortable and content with our four littles.  I began receiving this nagging feeling that we weren't done, and with Hunter being four years old, I knew that the space gap was only going to grow bigger and if we were going to have another, then now was the time to start.  For a while before I started really feeling this way, I had prayed about whether we should have another...for about a year...I did this.  I really didn't get a huge "WOW - BAM" answer, but I just felt that something was incomplete.

Chet felt the same way, we knew we should have another and so we tried.  Like my other kids, we were pretty lucky to have positive results on that first month of trying.  The stick was pink, and so it began.  We weren't exactly excited about it, like we were with the others...we just began to prepare.  The sickness came and I began to start looking at buying baby items. (I had gotten rid of a lot!) I had the strongest feeling we were having a girl and I was due in October...the same time of year the rest of us girls were born AND besides, the pencil said my last would be a girl and that magic pencil has NEVER been wrong!

When I was close to 12 weeks along, we had my first Dr visit.  I had the exam, and as he listened for the heartbeat, it wasn't heard.  No biggie, it wasn't the first time we weren't able to hear a heartbeat at the first visit.  My cycle is never regular, so I always have an ultra sound to figure my due date.  We went in to the room and as the Dr began the ultrasound and I saw the image on the screen, my heart sank.  This was my fifth child and I knew what I should be seeing at this point... and I wasn't. There was no heartbeat.  There was a sack and some sort of mass...but no heart beat.  My Dr. said that it could be that I was a lot earlier than I was, and things could change in a week and to make another appt then.  Although, he only gave me a 50% chance that this pregnancy would stay.  I knew he was trying to give me some hope that I was just earlier than expected, but I knew that wasn't really the case.  As we were leaving, Chet hugged me in the elevator and I began to cry.  We told our family and they held a fast for me, that all would work out the way it was supposed to. The day after the fast, I began to bleed and within a couple of days, I lost the baby. I realized then how badly I really did want another baby, and after 2 months of healing and waiting, we were able to try again with success.

Being my last baby, and the tie breaker, we decided not to find out.  With this pregnancy, I really had no feelings on what the gender was going to be. It was just a waiting game, but we all were hoping for a girl. I also wanted a good natured baby, that was easy and slept good, had lots of thick hair and dimples! I even prayed for these things, hoping Heavenly Father would grant me everything I wanted b/c I was such a good and faithful daughter. I was given the due date of February 25th...and with my history, I was afraid it would come on my anniversary, the 19th.  I did NOT want an anniversary baby.  On Feb 18th at approx 11:30pm, Chet and I were laying in bed when I felt quite a bit of fluid leak. I jumped out of bed knowing it could only be one thing. I said to Chet, "I think we're having an anniversary baby. My water just broke!"  So, off to IMC Hospital we went and at 5:00am, on Feb 19th, the morning of our 15th wedding anniversary, we had a healthy and beautiful baby boy...with no hair, no dimples, and later, I would find out that he wasn't the best sleeper and not so easy natured.

Immediately, I felt the doors of heaven close, and I knew that our family was complete. , I felt in some small way, bad, that I didn't give Chet the baby girl he hoped for. It was almost immediate that I was in a "funk"...so many emotions with with being the last baby, last labor, last everything and that I would never experience this again in my life. After leaving the hospital, I was hit with the baby blues. With my other babies, I always had the baby blues which typically lasted about 2 weeks and then I was great.  This time, magnified by my "funk" and possibly age and even more changing hormones, the baby blues turned into postpartum depression.  For FOUR months! Four LONG, hard months I cried. I wondered what I had done. I wanted things to go back to the way they were. I couldn't bond with my baby.  I didn't feel that starry eyed, in love, infatuation with this beautiful, perfect little baby boy.  I tried, I got shots, but it was really one of the worst things I experienced and I never want to feel that way again. Cash wasn't even really a horrible baby either, he wasn't the easiest I had, and I blame Hunter for spoiling me, but he was certainly not horrible,  or colicky baby...he was a normal, average baby, who didn't sleep as long as I would've preferred...and who didn't have the super easy temperament that I had hoped for. Finally, the darkness lifted, and even though he was still not the best sleeper, or the easiest baby...it happened.  I fell in love.  But, I was angry! Angry that four months of my last baby's life, four months of those first newborn moments that I should have been relishing and savoring, were taken from me.

Although, I had prayed for all of these things I had wanted in my last baby, and even though I got the opposite of everything I had prayed for, I am so grateful that Heavenly Father saw fit to answer my prayers differently.  He knew that I needed my little boy and I am so, SO happy now that I do NOT have a little girl...(Gah, no more teen girls, please!)...  My little Cashy is so funny, cute, cuddly, crazy and stubborn, but he is mine...and I am SO grateful for him. I know that then, I didn't want an anniversary baby, but it didn't take me long to realize that I could not think of a better way to celebrate 15 years of love and marriage, than bringing our last baby, something we created with that love, into the world.

My baby is 6.  It's not the easiest thing for me, and it makes me terribly sad everyday.  I want to share my post on facebook:

"A while ago I read an article about "last times" with your kids. Last time you give them a bottle, last time you spoon feed them, last time you read them a bedtime story, last time you pick them up and carry them on your hip etc.! Many of those times we don't even realize it is, indeed, the last time. I have thought about this a lot and as time keeps sneaking away from me faster and faster, and as I watch my children get older and older, I have been relishing "every time" with my little kids. Today is the last time I will have a 5 year old. EVER. My heart is so sad that time is stealing my kids away from me, and there's not a dang thing I can do to stop it. But today, I am going to enjoy and savor this time with him, because tomorrow he will be another year older and on his way to turning into a big boy."

I absolutely cannot be excited for this little guy's birthday.  Time is just going by way too fast! Cashy had a wonderful birthday from his side, though.  He had his first birthday party with friends, that I am so happy is over with, we went to Build A Bear after and got a TMNT, that he named, Jacky.  He got Lego Batman 3, clothes, toys, and his Iron Man cake! We went to Culver's for his birthday lunch, and he had such a fun day.  I'm happy for him...but sad to see him grow up.  It makes me realize how many "last times" are coming up for me, and I hate it.  It depresses me. Especially, when I think of how old my older kids are.  I love you Cashy Poo and I hope you know how grateful I am to have you as part of our family, through all the rough times I went through, I cannot imagine what life would be life without you!

Happy 6th Birthday little man!